Missing You

I wish I could say life is sunshine and roses now, that I didn’t miss Gentleman anymore and I am totally over him. I’m not sitting around moping and most of the time I really am fine… but there are times, late at night when I’m trying to fall asleep especially, when I miss him so badly. I have to restrain myself from texting him, from calling him, just to hear his voice. I know this is for the best, but there are days I can’t help but wish we were still together. I put on a good front for the rest of the world because I know I need to get over it and move on, but in reality, I’m not there yet.


Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to. No one was doing anything malicious or being in any insensitive, but sometimes you just don’t get the storybook ending for which you had hoped, yearned, and dreamed.

Allow me to fill in some back story on Gentleman and me. As my pen name suggests, I live in Utah. Utah culture is heavily influenced by the prevalence of Mormonism here. Gentleman was dating a girl long before he and I ever met. I knew about them, but didn’t know either of them personally. Gentleman and this girl continued to date until she left on a church mission over a year ago. Girls’ full-time missions last around 18 months. It’s a weird cultural quirk here, but it’s more or less expected that the individual waiting for the missionary to return dates while the missionary is gone. If you don’t, you’re kind of weird and stupid for not dating while you’re waiting. It sounds totally backwards and it probably is, but that’s just the way it is around here.

Well, Gentleman was planning to wait for his missionary’s return. However, that first night at our mutual friend’s house several months ago, he came on to me first. I never would have started things. I just didn’t want to deal with a situation like that. However, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, our relationship blossomed. I was more comfortable with him than I’d been with any man I’d previously gone out with. I loved him in a way I never thought could develop as quickly as it did. He was completely honest with me and I knew any time I asked him anything, I’d get a truthful answer, but sometimes I had questions that I didn’t necessarily want answered. I knew that he was planning to wait for his missionary, but I also knew that he cared about me and there was  something between us. Whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not, I really hoped that one or the other of them would break things off and leave things wide open for me to move in. The vast majority of times, the “waiting for the missionary” thing doesn’t work. One or the other will break it off, or the missionary will come home and the couple will decide that so much has changed over the course of the mission that it just isn’t meant to be. My dad was more or less waiting for a missionary when he met my mom. They were married before the missionary even came home.

I refuse to be someone’s backup plan. I knew I couldn’t go on dating Gentleman forever if he wasn’t going to give me a fair chance. I think it is entirely possible to be in love with two people at the same time, but ultimately, a choice has to be made eventually. Gentleman needed to either give me a fair chance or I was done. When trying to decide if Gentleman was “the one” for me, I wasn’t thinking “Is it Gentleman OR Mr. Boozer OR Baby Blues OR Latin Lover?” I was just trying to decide “Is it Gentleman?” For me, the answer was affirmative. I was very comfortable with the concept of putting some of my future plans on hold and taking a detour to build a life with Gentleman. However, I don’t think Gentleman was as confident. I think he was still trying to decide, “Is it USU Aggie Girl OR the missionary?” Quite frankly, it is entirely possible that neither of us are “the one.” Maybe one of us is.  But while I was around, he needed to decide if it was me. One time when we were talking about the missionary situation, he told me that he often thought about what would happen if things with the missionary didn’t work out. He was worried about what he was missing out on while waiting for her and admitted that he didn’t want to miss out on me because he felt so strongly about me in such a short time. At the same time, he didn’t want to keep stringing me along. Part of him was completely devoted to the missionary, but another part of him was crazy about me. We had talked about getting married. I told him I was willing to put my grad school endeavors on hold or at least pursue them elsewhere if things worked out between us and he wanted to pursue a future together.

Ultimately, Gentleman decided we weren’t going to happen. He got an internship on the east coast that he was going to take in April. So he currently lives about two and a half hours away, will be moving across the country in April for a few months, and then will be going to graduate school somewhere no where close to here and he just doesn’t see a way for us to work. Also, he’s still in love with the missionary, which is another issue altogether.

I wish I could say that I took his decision gracefully and with poise, but I would be totally lying. I cried until I didn’t think I could cry anymore, and I am not a crier! I sobbed for hours. My dad called me to check on me and I would be fine one minute and dissolve into hysterical tears the next. I decided that I couldn’t just stay in Logan that day; I needed to be with family. I got in my car and drove to Salt Lake to spend the day at my aunt’s house. I only cried about a quarter of the way to Salt Lake, which actually isn’t too bad, all things considered. My friends and family rallied and were wonderful. I know breakups happen all the time , but it’s never nearly as painful or real until it happens to you. I’m not angry at Gentleman. It just didn’t work out between us. I’ve never had a man situation end that hasn’t ended with me being angry; I’ve always been able to channel any hurt I was feeling into my anger. This time, there wasn’t any anger, which made the hurt that much more intense. I cried myself to sleep every night for a week.

I didn’t hear from him for about ten days. One night he texted me to see how I was doing. I’m glad that he didn’t do it any sooner than that. It was still a little soon even then. It was just small talk. I am certain that he knew I was hurting and he had to restrain himself during those ten days from checking on me. I haven’t heard from him since then. A mutual friend saw us both in the same day and he relayed a “hello” through her, but that’s it. There are days I still miss him so much it hurts, but I’m getting better. I’m just making sure I keep busy and surround myself with people who love me and remind me to be happy. I’ve been faking a good attitude for long enough now that I’m getting closer to actually believing it. Give me a few more weeks; soon I won’t have to fake it anymore.

Gentleman and I were in constant contact. Even with both of us working insane hours, me in the middle of graduate school entrance exams, my school, and various other commitments, we stayed in touch. I fell asleep with my phone on my pillow every night and he and I would converse all through the night.

I headed to Salt Lake on a Friday night after work to see Gentleman. He came to see me after he was done working while I was staying at my aunt’s house. We had the house to ourselves that night; my cousin and uncle were out of town and my aunt was working late. Even though I had been in contact with Gentleman everyday since the last time I’d seen him, I was still a bundle of excited nerves, talking to my aunt’s dog until Gentleman arrived. I answered the door, he picked me up and kissed, me swinging me around in circles. I hadn’t realized how much I had actually missed him!

I took him by the hand and led him downstairs to “my” room at my aunt’s house. A single lamp dimly lit the room from a corner, while the moon shone through the slats in the blinds. I lifted my arms up to his neck as he pulled me closer to him. The chemistry was there, just as much as it had always been. As I leaned back on the bed, he knelt in front of my and pulled off my boots before leaning up to kiss me again. After a few minutes, he sheepishly muttered, “So, how about I shower real fast? I’m kind of gross from work today…” I showed him the bathroom and lay on the bed with a sly smile on my face  until he was done. He came back with damp hair, smelling faintly of aftershave, with minty toothpaste on his breath. We talked for a few minutes before he picked me up and turned us around so my back was against the wall… he certainly hadn’t forgotten how much I liked the wall… 😉 The whole time he was so sweet and careful and gentle, without being at all boring. For a while, he even rolled me onto my stomach and gave me a massage, occasionally dusting light kisses down my back.

When we could finally manage to pull ourselves apart, we went out to dinner. It was so easy and comfortable. We never ran out of things to talk about and he lived up to his nickname. I offered to drive since I knew the area better, but he insisted he drive since it was the chivalrous thing to do, merely requesting my assistance as navigator. He always opened my doors for me, dropped me off at the front of the restaurant so I didn’t get cold walking in the snow, and carried my to go box at the end of the night.

We went back to my aunt’s house to watch a movie. By the time we got there, my aunt was home. The polite interaction between my aunt and Gentleman spoke volumes. They’d never met, but he was so polite and sweet that I fell for him even more. My family is a huge part of my life, so the fact that he was getting along so well with my aunt was notable. Gentleman and I snuggled up on the couch and plugged in a movie. He held me close and kept one hand on my upper thigh the entire time, while the other hand played with my hair and caressed my back.

When the movie was over, Gentleman got up to leave. I begrudgingly walked him to the door, not wanting our perfect night to end. He pulled me in for a huge hug and kissed me good night at the door. “So… you’re going home for the holidays Thursday?” “Yeah,” I replied with a little bit of sadness at the thought of not seeing him for the next several weeks. “Well, we’ll keep in touch during that time,” he assured me. With another quick kiss, he was off into the night. I insisted he texted me when he got home so I knew he was home.  I fell into a relaxed sleep with a satisfied smile that night.

Texting on a qwerty keypad phone

Gentleman and I continued seeing each other as often as we could. On the days we couldn’t see each other, we texted back and forth for most of the day. His was the last text I got at night and the first I got every morning. I eagerly awaited the chime of my phone, indicating I had a new text message, because nine times out of ten, it was from Gentleman.

As the Thanksgiving holiday drew near, Gentleman and I started talking about the future. He was going to be moving about two and half hours south of where I live to work for the winter. The timing was awful, but we decided to play it by ear, keep in touch, and see each other when we could. It wasn’t ideal, but we had such a great thing going that neither of us was ready to throw that away.

English: Temple Square in Salt Lake City, Utah...

For Thanksgiving, I went to Salt Lake to see family. My parents and sister also went to Salt Lake, so I got the best of both worlds: seeing my immediate family and extended family. If you’ve never been to Salt Lake during the holidays, it’s something you should try. Temple Square is full of Christmas lights. It is really pretty. As long as you bundle up and plan to freeze your butt off, it is so much fun.

Gentleman was going down to Temple Square with his family the Saturday night after Thanksgiving. He asked if I was going to be there, so I made sure my family was planning on going as well. There were thousands of people there that night, but we connected and he met my family for a few minutes and I met his. We broke away from all of them and had about forty-five minutes to ourselves to wander Temple Square. It was as comfortable and easy as it has ever been with us. He started work the following Monday and was moving the rest of his stuff the next day, but for that one night, everything was perfect.

I have whined about it before, but it still kind of bugs me that dating in the traditional sense of the word seems to have gone by the wayside among college students these days. That’s part of the reason I’m such a fan of Gentleman. After our first night together, he somehow got my number (I didn’t give it to him, but we have so many mutual friends it can’t have been difficult for him to find it) and we’ve been in pretty much constant contact ever since.

TOC Chips Logo Created by Danny Zumwalt Photo ...

Gentleman had a meeting in Logan one night and asked if we could go out after he was done. Since he didn’t know when his meeting was going to be over, we settled on either going to a movie or staying at my apartment to play poker (ok, so that latter part isn’t leaving the house, but I was still ok and it was a step above just “hanging out”). By the time he got to my apartment, we’d missed the movie we were planning to see so we pulled out the poker chips and playing cards. I’d never played poker before so this was definitely a learning experience for me. I am a terrible bluffer; I have a rather difficult time controlling my face and it’s not difficult for anyone within a 5o block radius to figure out what I’m thinking just by looking at my face. I did learn how to at least hold my own though.

As I was busying myself shuffling cards between hands, Gentleman leaned over the piles over poker chips, tilted my chin up, and kissed me senseless. By the time he was done, it took me a few minutes to figure out that I was supposed to deal. Needless to say, I lost that hand. I figured out that two could play at that game… By leaning over the poker chips to his side, I was able to distract him a little bit during the middle of a hand… Was I playing fair? Probably not… but I did win that hand.

Remaindered Books on a book cart.

When Gentleman left that night, I walked him downstairs to leave. I had strategically placed a stack of books next to the door so that when he went to kiss me goodnight, I could stand up on the books and actually reach for a change (remember how he’s a foot taller than me?). He laughed a little against my lips, but I’m pretty sure he liked my ingenuity…

I never saw this one coming, folks. I feel a little like I have been smacked upside the head, but in a totally good way. I met a truly wonderful, sweet, kind man. And he has been pursuing me. I can honestly say I don’t think this has ever happened to me before, but I’m kind of a fan!

I had met Gentleman a long time ago, he was even in a group of friends with whom I attended a movie this summer, but we’d never really moved beyond polite “how are yous.” I had spent the better part of an entire Sunday at a friend’s house working on a consulting project with Baby Blues (oh yeah, he’s still around… we’re actually in a pretty good place now… a friendly, professional relationship… hopefully it stays that way). Gentleman is also friends with Baby Blues and the person whose house we were using and he came over for dinner that night. Gentleman and I talked like we were old friends and formed a natural, easy bond.

Gentleman and I left our friend’s house at the same time. “So I don’t live in Logan anymore,” he said. “What is there to do these days?” I replied with, “It’s Logan. And it’s Sunday. There is nothing to do.” I invited him to my apartment to come hang out for a while if he was interested. He followed me in my car to my apartment. I called a friend on my way having a minor freak out, knowing a little about this guy and not quite sure where things were going to end up. She assured me that everything was fine and gave me the best friend pep talk right as I pulled into my apartment complex. As I walked up to my door, Gentleman grabbed my laptop bag for me so I didn’t have to worry about carrying it. I’m a complete sucker for chivalry, so I was pretty impressed.

Gentleman and I settled on 500 Days of Summer. Neither of us had ever seen it before. Watching the movie turned out to be like a scene from a crappy junior high movie… He’d inch closer and closer to me on the couch before eventually putting his arm around me and pulling me closer to him. We both knew what was happening… it just took a while to get to that point. I laughed a little to myself at the absurdity of the situation… We’re both in our mid twenties… yet we were acting like 14-year-olds. In a strange way, it was actually pretty fun.

The movie got over and we talked like we had known each other for  years. It was comfortable and natural and easy and I felt like I could be completely myself around him. Of course, talking led to more cuddling, and cuddling led to kissing. It had been a nine month and one day dry spell for me folks… You can cook an entire kid in that length of time! That’s a long time!!!  (And in reference to a previous post, don’t worry… I did remember how to kiss even though it had been so long!) It was an absolute blast; he’s a fantastic kisser and I felt so comfortable with him. The thing I noticed most, though, was that he was so respectful of me. While we were making out, when my shirt would start to ride up in the back, he’d pull it back down instead of seeing how far I’d let him push things. He insisted that I be on top while we were fooling around, not because he was tired or lazy, but because he was significantly taller than me (by over a foot) and stronger than me and that way he ensured that nothing happened that I didn’t want to have happen. I jokingly commented that my hair probably looked awesome since we’d spent so long fooling around and he stated, “I hadn’t actually noticed your hair…  I was too busy looking at your eyes.”


He left my apartment a little after midnight that night. We’d talked about the most random things under the sun and had a good time. I didn’t know what to expect when he left that night… I certainly didn’t expect what ended up happening…

At this time of year, I always reflect on past relationships so I can try to do better in the coming year. I was thinking about things the other day and was reminded of an instance that I had completely forgotten…

You know, the kind you get at Victoria's Secret....

Long ago and far away, Green Eyes and I hooked up on one magical evening. It was awesome… the kisses, the caresses, the sighs… It was all fantastic. However… I was wearing a cami with a built in shelf bra (my shirt was long gone). Green Eyes’ hands slid under my cami, his fingers gently sweeping over my skin… over the top of the bra… and then his hand got stuck.

And for the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what was going on.

Really, all he had to do was back track a little and go under the bra, but he couldn’t seem to figure that out.

This was even simpler than a regular bra clasp to figure out and he couldn’t make it happen.

Guess it’s good he never got to my actual bra…. I don’t think he could have handle that either.